do you equate someone to the things you give him or her?
"the value of x is directly proportional to the value of the things we give them..."

is it a fact or a fiction?
an open-ended thought shared to the rest of the world...

one. two. three. TWENNY-four.
yup, tis the day i turned the big two-four.
eew-eth. (blurting that for the nth time)

call me weird, but i've always been in denial. i hate adding a year to my age. i can't suck the fact that i'm a year older. ('cos it doesn't necessarily mean that i'm wiser... just kidding!)

basta, i'm just weird this way. and it'd take some time before i finally acknowledge that i am 24. bente quatro. 2-4. 24. twenty-four. 24. (only to realize that the year's over. haha.) honestly, i don't feel that i am anywhere in my 20's. isip-bata? hmm. child-like pwede pa. should i start acting my age? depends.

come on, kaka-birthday ko pa lang diba? haha. so pagbigyan niyo nako... BUT i hope you'd keep an open mind before your temperatures rise on me...  i'm grateful for such a day. i'm thankful that God gave me another year to live and experience. i feel so blessed, having a bunch of people remember the 1st of APRIL. other it being april fools'.

mababaw lang akong tao. i'm easy to please.
thanks to everyone who greeted me. you've somehow shared this day with me ^.^
yes, i know i said that this day was "just like any ordinary day, if not for the fact that i intermittently get birthday messages etc."
thanks for bringing the message across.
thanks for your kind gestures. they're sweet altogether. promise!
thanks for making me feel special. and loved at that:)
i deeply appreciate each and every one of them... no matter how simple or "insignificant" it may seem. para sakin, malaking bagay na yon:)

i need not enumerate right? basta, i thank everyone who remembered this day. and i'm stretching these grateful arms to those who went the "extra mile".  >:D<
i know that i need to make "bawi" cos this day was rather uneventful.
but i'm sealing the night with a blissful spirit. because i felt so blessed having these people around. plus i'm assured that God has better promises ahead of me.

i'm excited. oooh better, i'm elated! ;D
forget that i ever hated slating another year in my existence...

creds: since i forgot to take some snaps as proof of THE DAY. that clip was taken last December.. haha.

Bum-ber days and beyond...
this is the life. for now.
i'm spending my 15th day or about a couple of weeks++ of bumhood.
(FYI: got out of work last March 9th.)

yup, i said bye-bye to my hectic days at work, been at it for 2 years and plus plus months. and HELLLOOO to infinite hours of sleep. maxing my waking hours... "productively". how? hmmm. (1) by turning my brain into mush: spending endless hours on dvd marathon, and/or (2) catching up with series i've missed, alternating it with (3) meaningful time spent by hitting the books for my "literary" thirst. AND IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH. i've pretty much (4) ate to my heart's content. (hello, weight gain?!? ohgahd, no!).... so much for "reflecting-slash-soul-searching" right there. yes, i so know what's running in your silly minds. i would definitely get my act together. just give me this month-long indulgence to keep my sanity. i'm sure you'd say, "she definitely needs this breather" if you know what i've been through. (overworked is an understatement.)

i'm so loving this.. and that's what counts come sundown...

and if it doesn't get any better. my fab bum-ber days are shared with "numerous" eaglets right there. nothing  beats sweet time with mi familia! talk about purrr-fect timing. ^^

and yes, we're sort of rekindling our then-summer days. when we used to lounge at each other's houses. ransack the fridge of whatevers-left. talk endlessly about anything-under-the-sun. critique on the nitty-gritty details of our "favorite shows". then bade adieu. only to find ourselves do the same things the next day. and days after that...

simple as things are. i'm grateful that i'm given the chance to savor such a sweet time. and i thank God that He gave room for me to cope with QTT with my fab family. yes, i know how it feels to be a bum (right about now).. and it does seem so liberating. but this is so not going to be a permanent thing for me. promise.

creds: photos and the stories behind 'em.
above-> babysis, me, and mai sharing scoops of strawberry ice cream from tekie's stint. (yes, it's blurry)
then-> "sisters" living the life. we've never been this complete in ages! waiting for the "house" re-run. mai. babysis. midsy. lai. and tekie (poses?)

shoutouts to:
boinky, who shows up every now and then.
mikky, welcome to the club! taking the breather before medschool. ayos:D
boo and pampy for showing up once. do more than one okay?
so where in the world is... ram? (still in school? probably. or is just so stuck at home.)
do you guys still remember kakay? who the hell is she? oh snap, WHERE the hell is she pala?!?
how about our boys?

i heart my cousins... to pieces :*

consider myself a traveler...
yes, i know i haven't fulfilled much on trailing the world. but i've had a handful of experiences as reference.

i thirst for interaction.
and i don't mean, mainstreaming.
i search for something simpler yet more meaningful. and in a sense, enriching.

"a true traveler is defined by connections made... knowing the place beyond the surface. being one with the culture... even for just a day."

... i yearn to traverse the world with soul.

education. and how one values it.

one of the many things i'd want to pass on to "my children" is that valuable lesson my dear parents taught me, value your education.
"we worked hard to achieve what we have now. and we owe it all to the fact that we finished school, our parents did their best to give us the best."

(I never failed to forget that since...)

my parents were raised from different social backgrounds. my mom seemingly came from a "well-to-do" family (well, at some point they did seem that they were). and my dad,  had to work out in the field to help sustain their family needs. since they lost their father at a very young age, everyone decided to put a stake to help with finances. though different, they both were very determined to achieve their personal goals...

finish school. get a good-paying job. build valuable work experience. earn enough money. build a family.

sounds easy? i sure know that the journey wasn't. and they never failed to remind us that.

i'm grateful at how our parents reared us. they've opened our eyes to life's (harsh) realities.  treated us as adults even during childhood. involved us in discussions that were serious and even consulted our opinions to decision-making that involves the family.

of course, they did treat us as their little ones. but they made us see that life isn't always about things that are pink and rosy.

and all these paid off.

but even if they did open our eyes to those crude facts. there were still some things that i took forgranted. little things that didn't feel significant. until now...

as i was doing one of my last few tasks at work, a sudden rush of "contemplation" came to me...

as i was there. seated. at the frontrow of a local mini-bus. staring out the window.
i saw flocks of kids traversing meters and meters of distance in their small rugged feet.
just to get to school. and beat the 8:00 am buzzer.

i suddenly remembered my gradeschool days... when i used some sortof delaying tactic just so i won't get to ride the first trip in our school bus. OR how i'd lazily get up from bed, do my morning routine before the bus beeps for my trip to school.

if only i've seen how these kids were. maybe i'd have a different take towards preppin (for school). i was so blessed to even have that (school)bus take me to and fro'. while these kids tire themselves even before classes start. that scenario made me heave a grateful sigh.

but altogether, what they did was some sort of sacrifice.
traversing meters just to earn the day's lessons.
put tiny investments into their (mind)banks.
get educated to push themselves out of poverty.

but why do they have to exert much effort to attain their right?

if only...
(sigh. what's gonna come out of me after would create a lengthy discourse. if you know what i mean...)


et cetera: i so wanted to capture that "sight"... but rats, i forgot to bring my cam with me.
so much for evidence right there.

I want to thank You for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.. I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now.  I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed...

I am thanking you right now. I am thanking YOU because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.

I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better. 

I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me...

just so we could get things out. in the open.
i've heard a lot of "news" flying here and there.
why do i feel like they'd want to be soo involved?

am i a public figure?
somesort of "celebrity"?
i'd want to laugh just thinking of it...

but at the back of mind, i felt i was stepping onto someone.
that person deserves to know. hear things straight from the horse's mouth.

today.
i've finally said it.
i've let it out my chest.
at around three in the afternoon.

i came up to his office. and blurted the truth.
it didn't happen as dramatic as i thought.
how should i explain things?
did it in a matter-of-fact-ly manner.

honestly, i felt what i did was a bit shallow and "meaningless"
it was as if i wasn't sincere. lacked the fervor to share my reason.
the "plan" was just hanging by the corner
and i chose today to put an end on things.

by doing that, i've finally set the finish line for my life at faraway land.

i was pained after dropping the bomb.
it was as if the conversation was metered.
i feared that i'd jerk a tear if i divulged.
i tried to keep a smile on my face.
uttered a polite, "thank you".
stood up and closed the door behind me.

i know i should feel relieved after the whole ordeal.
but sadness dawned on me. lingered for a time.
i cried. some of them saw the tears from my eyes.
i cried even more after talking to a trusty mentor.

i love my job. i loved my job. no doubt.
but i should save myself in the process.
save that glimmer of optimism that's clinging.
before i become jaded...

i'm not closing my doors
it's just that i need a breather from all these.
maybe i'd be back, only God knows when...

maybe. just maybe...

i've never idolized anyone in my entire life.
well, not exactly like a five-year old chirping, "i want to be like so-and-so when i grow up..."

but i ogle at this friend's specific writing style with envy.
(and the list of my "literary idols" is quite short if i may add)

his (writing) style is animated. concise. descriptive.
simple but meaty (with real chunks alright!).

crisp. that's a better word.
snapping with pizzazz.
and guess what, "meron siyang nabola", as he puts it.


"i wish i could write like him when i grow up..."
(and he promised to mentor me. though indirectly. promise parin yun ha!:D)

in reconnaisance: i stumbled upon this article from peyups.

it's pretty weird how she was able to verbalize my very reason for being "unattached". well, vaguely if i may add. well, we all have our reasons. i wouldn't want to recant mine coz it might strain your eyes from an epic-like entry. and i know i'd sound like a broken record if i'd do.

just a thought though, in the advent of "feminism". as more and more "womyn" are empowered, i guess, it makes the "love" part of life a little less of a priority.

no, i'm not a cynic. i aspire for that "kind of life" but not now. well, not until i'm done with some other things. i guess i agree that "waiting" is part of it. but i'm not speaking of a passive kind of waiting. it's more of a waiting-as-you-are-a-work-in-progress kind of thing.

"hindi ako hipokrita". of course, basta. i'd be there, in that kind of sitch.

my sweet time would come.

i believe there's something wrong with (my) multiply-blogger crossposting
(well, atleast for my account AND/OR my network is "restricted")

but if this would interest you, i'd like to lead you to one of my many experiences at work.
it's been a month-old entry i think you'd "love" to see. go ahead and click the links if you please.

there's...

OPTION A: my "front seat" perspective on a rather momentous event at Faraway land.

and...

OPTION B: i was thisclose to PGMA. yep, i could even lift her hair if i wished. (take the hint of sarcasm right there)

go ahead. pry:)

i don't usually blurt out stuff i want. (yup, that's the whole crude truth of it all)
IN FACT, i have a hard time "pinpointing" stuff.

but since it's Christmas, and the "spirit of giving" is everywhere...
i guess it won't hurt to join the bandwagon after all.

note: to my good friends, you now know how to win my heart. bwahahahahaha.

random stuff. listed based on my train of thought. this doesn't come in hierarchy whatsoever.

> Altec Lansing Speakers for my Player (Creative Speakers are good too:D)
> backpack OR a travelbag with tons of compartments (preferrably handcarry)
> coffee tumbler from Starbucks (i need to change my old one actually)
> vintage jacket (or Adidas Jacket - Football edition)
> Shopping money (GCs:D)
> Haviis (slim season or basic in choco/dark brown base; high light, in dark colors please)>>>>>>>  Haviis, check! thanks,rico and bev! >:D<
> Samsung E530 battery (purple combo)
> 2GB XD picture card for Olympus Digital Camera
> 80 to 160GB external hard drive
> shoes (cutesy flats in fab colors and concepts)
> kikay stuff ( i. e. lip & cheek tint AND body butter from body shop; victoria's secret lotion; stuff from bath & body works)
> watch (hmmm. somewhere between classy and sporty)
> Creative Zen V Plus accessories (i. e. arm strap, silicon case, car adaptor)
> books (hmmm. something you think is worth-reading)
> Notebook or Laptop computer (take me with you, i know the specs that i need/want)
> PDA fone (handy version of the notebook, again, take me with you)
> travel pillow (something with the beanie feel)
> breathable contact lenses (it's about time i change mine)
> A new pair of specs (take me with you for refraction of the lenses)
> a day at the Spa (massage, body scrub, the works:D)
> HipHop Abs (the whole set:D)

> i'll sleep through the night. let's see if the list would grow longer, okoy?

QUESTION: am i requiring too much stuff?
hmmm. those in bold letters are those that i ACTUALLY need.
you can disregard the rest, they're just whims.

techie stuff, like the speakers et cetera, are just some of my "projects" put on hold.
but it'd be good if you'd help me "acquire" them.


so what do you want for Christmas?

phone ringing: Jason Mraz, Clockwatching as my ringer.

(ANONYMOUS)
Hello?
Hi miss, pwedeng makipag-phonepal?
Hello?!? (then i rejected the call)

Gahd. that scared the hell out of me.
troubled thoughts.

phone rang once more.

(ANONYMOUS)
Hello?
Hello, armida?
Sino to? Sino ka? (me thinking. long pause)
Ohmygod. Ian? IAN!!!!
Oi, kamusta na?

and the rest was endless "minutes" of catching up.
laughtrip. quips between friends. exchanges of kamusta na? how's life? et cetera.

we reminisced about highschool. teased about those days when the rico-miday love team was still alive. exchanged quips again.

it was good to hear from a "childhood" friend. childhood ba ang highschool?
talking to mr. mariano was a breather from my mundane day at work.
too bad our conversation was cut short coz my phone was out of battery. darn it.
talk about perfect timing, just as i was fishing about his "lovelife and all"... and he was about to spill the beans. ngar. :\

ian, tawag ka ulit. isakto mo na work hours para "perfect" timing.
awwww. nakakamiss ka. come home na and be with the rest of the gang.
(tight hug coz i haven't seen you for the longest time...)

just a thought: i super thank God for giving me such great friends. we mean no distance, and communication lines are kept alive. may He allow for all of us to meet. hhhmm. our "Israel" plans. may it push through...

this was a super duper cool surprise. i heart it!:)

i'm sorry if i acted the way i did.
i know it was part of a joke.
but it went overboard.
ticked me off, and i snapped.

threw fits of rage at you.
was that disrespectful?
didn't mean to act rashly.
i wish you were sensitive enough.

i value my friends,
just as much as i respect our family.
i hope not to do the same thing again.
i apologize, dad.

i value you. i hope you understand.

disclaimer:
words. a way to express myself.
i wrote my dad a "letter", and felt hot drops of tears roll down my cheek.
 i was hurt. i know they were too:(

i know i've been out there for more than month.
working my butt off for something people would count as "extra work".
lagari. traveling from place to place. been to 6-out-of-9 of our covered provinces.
training staff. talking nonstop. for something that i truly believe in.

doing development work means stretching yourself to the limits.
squeezing out every creative juice, mixed with hardwork, til there's nothing left to give.
and all these is because we wanted to "make a difference" (or at least we believe so...)

to tell you quite frankly, there wasn't even an inch of increment to my pay given the "extra" load we did for work. (well, yeah, we had travel allowances. but that was it). again, i'm not complaining. the growth i get from all the traveling and mingling is something that i shouldn't discredit above anything else... i guess, experience is far better. an intangible increment that i'd forever carry with me, wherever. (hmm. drama mode)

on the lighter note. getting positive remarks from your colleagues is something that can amp up your morale and fuel your esteem to go on and keep giving your best every chance you get.

here are some cool remarks i got (i didn't make them up. just culled them out from memory:D)

"ang dami kong nakat-unan. very articulate ang speaker."
(ang dami kong natutunan. very articulate ang speaker.)

"para narin siyang may sariling anak kung magsalita. very practical ang insights na binigay."

"their child-like way of facilitating made the training more enjoyable. i now understand ECCD better:)"

"pwede na siyang magka-anak, pero ewan natin kung pwede nang mag-asawa. hehe"

"bilib ako kay miday, very articulate. pero paspas musolti, parang di na humihinga. dire-diretso ang mga insights niya."
(bilib ako kay miday, very articulate. pero ang bilis magsalita, parang di na humihinga. dire-diretso ang mga insights niya.")

"i like the way the presentations were made. very reader friendly and engaging. simple  yet colorful and creative. child-friendly talaga."

"maganda ang training. pati mga facilitators. hehe"

"ito lang ang training na napuno ko talaga ang notebook ko..."

"i like your twang. pwede ka pang callcenter..."

"nasasagot niya ang lahat ng mga tanong namin. at practical ang mga tips na binibigay. very encouraging na ipractice ang ECCD sa mga anak namin."

"maganda ang composition ng team. may mga bata pa - at meron ring may karanasan na sa larangan ng ECCD. nakaka-encourage although very challenging."

i'm just grateful that my (and our) efforts didn't go to waste. nakaka-encourage and nakaka-aliw at the same time. well of course, there were also some constructive remarks given us. and they were taken well by the group. proactive dapat. there's always enough room for growth:)

for what it's worth, i give back all the glory to my Maker.
Thank You, Lord for the grace and wisdom:)

i heart the whole experience. sana maulit muli:)

a  friend forwarded this to our YG.
read a snippet of it, and i got inspired. that dreary disposition (i've been carrying ) have momentarily waned. i guess it really pays to fight for what you believe in. all those sacrifices have been well-worth it in the long run.

in reading this, i got a bit mushed. it did hit my soft spot. made me miss daddy dearest and think of all  his wise words. integrity would really take you places. it's more than the tangible things you acquire. it's not what you do, but how and why you do it that matters come sundown.


YOUNGBLOOD
On the same street
By Janice Cambri San Jose
Inquirer
Last updated 03:56am (Mla time) 07/26/2007

this is what i get for growing up in the metro THEN having to work at  faraway land .

who would've thought that i would be celebrating my 2nd year at work a month from now.
people who were deployed to various provinces, as part of the network i'm in.. have left me behind:/ whoa. so much for survival of the fittest. right?

anyhoo, as a refresher. i'm giving you snippets of the simple life i've been in. and the musings i've had ever since. felt like a little girl, seeing things for the first time. and i mean that in every literal sense of word... again, that's a whoa right there.

shall we begin?


                        sun, sand, and the sea.

one of my simple joys here at faraway land.
i smile whenever is see blue waters kiss the tip of the shore. in melancholy, felt like (my) worries ebb away with them.

so what if i get tanned, every once in a while? the skin's gonna go back anyway. who would've thought i'd get to such places? ah. the beauty of nature. at its finest :)


                                  fun under the sun

an unplanned adventure. i tagged along for a shoot we did with studio 23. did the coordination and everything. since we were on break, my workmates prodded me to try snorkeling. well, i know how to swim and all. but i have that inch of fear for depths. heck. gave it a try anyway. twas fun! :) haven't done it again... hecticness at work sucks bigtime :/



                                      the simple life

walked around a far-flung village. got "tired". took some rest. oh look, there's a chicken. tried to call it, as if it were a pet dog. funny.

thank God it didn't run after me or something. my workmates thought it was cutesy and funny. ginaya ang concept ko, at nagpa-picture rin. sometimes, i think these people lack the "fun and quirky" perspective on things. kidding y'all.


               there's a first to everything

one of my many firsts since i got to work here. we had nothing to do one saturday, so decided to go to the beach at the spur of the moment.

went there to lounge around and "feast". alas, my workmate's "friend" was there, carrying a skimboard so i bravely asked if i could give it a try. had free lessons for more than an hour. twas an exciting take on things, even if it meant my limbs full of blacks-and-blues all over. haha.


              overcoming "stage fright"

i remember getting butterflies and/or big beads of sweat everytime i get tasked to speak in front of a big crowd.
i know that i'm not much of a people person. i would rather write the things i need to say than actual say it.

who would've thought that God would bring me to a "job" that would entail a lot of public speaking. well, He can be very unpredictable at times. oh well.


                         i miss doing this :(   

i studied child development for four years in college. was grateful that i got a job related to it. and yes, it wasn't teaching preschool kids.

apart from the elite perception that our course entailed, i opted to take the road less traveled, i felt that they needed the same opportunity. in child development, there is no delineation between the rich and the marginalized. every young child deserves a fair start in life...


      immersion: the real experience

back in college, i remember taking units in community development. and yes, part of it was an immersion to a rural community. hearing my other friends "experiences", i thought that ours would be just as sucky. turns out the immersion was actually an "excursion" because we visited a coastal community and was treated with prime hospitality.

years after. that zaps us to the present...

our manager thought that it would be good for all of us to do  Participatory Rural Appraisal in full force. Hence, the week-long ala survivor type of task. and yes, it was complete with no access to outside technology. no electricity. and scarce water supply. no, we didn't die, silly.

it just made me realize how (some) people could live with this much. so what made me think that i couldn't? it was a humbling experience. made me more grateful for the things i have. sigh.

and yeah, those photos right there were just "samples" of the firsts i've seen in my entire life. Top: Palawan. a local root crop. People here in the Visayas are fond of tubers. Well, it tastes good. Had a photo op because i didn't realize that the slices i had came from a source that big. whoa diba? Right below it: "kalabasa yan?" i didn't realize that it grows from a vine. silly me. it wasn't my fault that i was grown to just see squash straight from the marketplace. haha. nakakahiya. hence the photo op

I didn't mean to bombard you with my "experiences"... we're coming down to the last two. I promise! (big grin, right hand on swearing gesture).



                             life is suh-weet!

it certainly is! another photo op. why? because i wanted to keep a memie of my first sugar cane. haha. twas my first time to try and eat it. yes, it's sweet. duh.

these made me realize how much i missed from childhood, being in "civilization" and all. well, twas never too late. at least i lived both worlds right? SUH-WEET:)



                   livin la vida "jetsetter"

growing up, we were meagerly traveled. the farthest i've been to was Baguio, frequented Batangas since twas both my parents' province. i thought that going from here and there would be a distant dream.

i had a goal to "circle" the whole country before i could fly away and explore the outside world. that used to be a bleak cloud. looks like tiny hints of sunshine are now creeping in. cool-ness:)

         IN CONCLUSION...
life has been an emotional roller coaster for me. and i don't need to give much definition to it. let's just say that there are tons of blissful opportunities from "work", but it also has a handful of setbacks. for one, i am too far from home. and that sometimes (well, often actually) gets to me. i do get "recharged" every time i get home. but that could only last for how long.

i guess things would've been better. if only i could be there in a heartbeat. then back..
too bad "teleportation" isn't realized in this lifetime...

i'm missing a lot for sure. i miss home. terribly miss home.
sigh... heavy sigh.